.

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Why the chipmunk conglomerate you ask?

The chipmunks were the nuts I smoked crack with.
The one’s that used to take their rocks and put them in there mouth “like chipmunks” and ask me for more.

THIS DROVE ME CRAZY!!!

I am such an idiot! I did the same thing over and over and always thought that it would be different. Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? Well at the time I figured getting high with someone that’s stealing shit that I’m giving them for free was better then getting high alone.

I was wrong about that too.
They really did drive me nuts

It made a lot more sense to me after I started to learn about the things I was doing to myself when I was using. Crack Cocaine is the only drug known to man that can make a mother forget she had children.

WOW… that really messed me up, but then it all started to make sense. I would tell these girls they don’t have to hide the shit in their mouth, its free and your going to smoke all night and you will be doing the same amount as me.

BUT NO …..I was talking to myself.

The reason they would flip out when I tell them they were chipmunking was they really didn’t even know they were doing it. I was also to blame. I was so wacked out that I was doing hits that your average crackhead would get 3 or 4 nice hits from.

Thinking about this time in my life is sad.

I remember my friend Scotty, he was a chipmunk too. I remember Scotty taking a hit in the head with a baseball bat for me and the next day he was chipmunking hits looking straight at me, swearing he wasn’t.

The funny thing is I know he was and he really had no idea what he was doing.

I think I’m starting to see why recovery fucks with people when they go back out. How could I every in my right mind smoke crack when I know that the bell ringing is just me having a mini stroke.
Just knowing that the whole chipmunk conglomerate really have no clue of what they were doing.
Or did they?

The moral is I can’t change were I was, but I do control were I’m going.

Thank God

I’m just over 20 months clean, learning a new way to live and seeing things in a whole new light. With a daily surrender and constant contact with my higher power I get through each day. Although I don’t use drugs or drink anymore I still put my body through abuse.

Like a idiot, I started smoking in rehab and I let myself get back to over 300 lbs. When I say get back, it means I was over 300 lbs got down to 174 lbs and here I go again.

I’ve decided it’s time for change.

I feel if I start to document my changes, they will be more real to me if I can see where I was when I started this whole process of change. I don’t just want to loss weight and quit smoking.

I want live a healthy life, and I will .
I want to see the world, and I will.
I want to change the world,and I will.

At the least my world.

I see things so differently today then the way I did my whole life. My mindset is in a much more calm place. For this, I’m so grateful. The way I was living was killing me. My life was a mess. Every hit I took I would hope it would kill me, and was but slowly. I had lost my mind and I knew it.

Lucky for me, I was able to find it before it was to late.

As I look back, I realize it started with the promise I made to myself….”If I miss one more event I RSVP to I’m going to go to rehab.”

Like a good addict, like I was, I did miss that event and realized I had to go. I felt I was allowed to lie to everybody else but not myself. I feel this is the day I found my lost mind. Lucky for me it wasn’t as damaged as it should have been.

That was 8/27/06 the last day I used.

Making 8/28/06 my clean date and I consider this my new birthday. This is the day when I truly started to live life on its own terms. Going through whatever life may throw at me without any help from a mind or mind altering drug.